I am in my twenties, have gone to college, spent time at house parties, worked in bars, travelled, had girlfriends, and been single. Therefore, I am in a position to say I know very little about the female psyche and how it works; in my defense, I think most men are in little position to say what girls want. After a lot of observation and conversation however, there is at least one thing worth saying about my gender: it's horrific.
We really are terrible. From grocery stores to bars, coffee shops to parks, the methods men use to attract a mate in this age I find very disturbing. I feel I have seen and heard it all, and have probably only heard a small percentage of the minor disasters plaguing our city streets each day. To combat this growing epidemic in confused techniques, I have devised a list of simple changes, moving us forward as a gender into the next century.
1. Dont stare. If you have indeed decided to enter a bar alone, keep your eyes on the game. Pretend to text someone important on your iPhone. Play Angry Birds. Shoot the shit with the bartender if he's not busy. If a pretty girl does happen to pass, look for a period of time that makes sense which, as a ballpark estimate, lets say is three seconds. As she streamlines her way from the bathroom back to her group of friends who are all most certainly in two year relationships, fixating your eyes on her body does help help along your cause in any country of the world. Everyone can see it, everyone notices, and you look like a cavemen. No one wants to talk to the caveman who, with that creepy twinkle in their eye, cant look away from the hunk of meat it just cooked for tonight's dinner.
2. Body Language. It is not Mandarin Chinese. Use a bit of intuition and realize that in the first five words a girl says to you, you know if she is up for a chat. If all signs point south, get the hell out of there and cut your losses. You did not miss something. You aren't that attractive. You aren't wooing her with your modern day Shakespeare Sonnets. This is not something learned, but it shouldn't it be innate instinct? Haven't millions of years of evolution given us some level of inter-species understanding? If a pigeon can shake and dance in the park and attract a mate through those bizarre behaviors, how dense are we?
3. Get a Life. This is He's Just Not That in to You, for males. If she didn't text back then no, its not because your text message didn't get through. No call back? It is not some momentary lapse by your service provider. She is probably out living her life, doing normal activities that make her happy. You should find a few activities that make you happy, like running or scrapbooking, or reading about real men like William Clark and Simon Bolivar and T.E. Lawrence. Watch 300 and then lookup the workout to see what bodies like theirs require. Do you things. It doesn't matter what. To me, there is nothing more attractive than a girl who does this, and it is one of those rare things, unlike color preferences and baby names, that go both ways. I promise she'll appreciate it.
5. Dressing up. Good heavens this should not be that hard, but guys can get it so terribly wrong. A decently fitting black shirt and jeans should do the trick. Save the two year old running shoes with uncomfortably high khaki shorts. Same for the gem in the closet that says, "I'm not as dumb as you look," as original as that is. The only exception to this rule, to my knowledge, is the sorority/fraternity college connection. They have been genetically engineered, to my continual astonishment, to be attracted to someone who looks as if they just fell into a few cans of neon paint. You know the look: the one where it's hot to look like you just got out of bed and threw on your older brothers clothes, or walked out of a Walker Texas Ranger episode. Don't worry about them.
6. Ask, Don't tell. It is a cardinal rule that people like to talk about themselves. People like to talk about how Jenny hit on Johnny at a party, and she dated Johnny two years ago, and what this means for Jill who kissed Johnny last weekend, etc. What they don't care about your job, your income, your car, and the lack of a ring in your finger, unless of course, they ask. Let them ask; until then, listen. If you don't want to listen, then you really are taking the wrong girl out for beers and that is a real issue worth thinking about.
7. You're old. What's worse than any of the above offenses? Committing any of the above offenses on someone who was in diapers when you were in college. Have a concept of your own age, and accept that you had your time. It is really depressing as a young guy, seeing older guys try so hard in bars. If I end up there, I have done something terribly wrong.
In the end, men, these are great problems to have because they are all fixable. Annual human trafficking today is 10-times the amount during the height of the Trans-Atlantic Slave trade. That's a real problem, with a difficult solution, also caused by our gender. Shape up guys; be genuine and real. You are making us all look creepy.
We really are terrible. From grocery stores to bars, coffee shops to parks, the methods men use to attract a mate in this age I find very disturbing. I feel I have seen and heard it all, and have probably only heard a small percentage of the minor disasters plaguing our city streets each day. To combat this growing epidemic in confused techniques, I have devised a list of simple changes, moving us forward as a gender into the next century.
1. Dont stare. If you have indeed decided to enter a bar alone, keep your eyes on the game. Pretend to text someone important on your iPhone. Play Angry Birds. Shoot the shit with the bartender if he's not busy. If a pretty girl does happen to pass, look for a period of time that makes sense which, as a ballpark estimate, lets say is three seconds. As she streamlines her way from the bathroom back to her group of friends who are all most certainly in two year relationships, fixating your eyes on her body does help help along your cause in any country of the world. Everyone can see it, everyone notices, and you look like a cavemen. No one wants to talk to the caveman who, with that creepy twinkle in their eye, cant look away from the hunk of meat it just cooked for tonight's dinner.
2. Body Language. It is not Mandarin Chinese. Use a bit of intuition and realize that in the first five words a girl says to you, you know if she is up for a chat. If all signs point south, get the hell out of there and cut your losses. You did not miss something. You aren't that attractive. You aren't wooing her with your modern day Shakespeare Sonnets. This is not something learned, but it shouldn't it be innate instinct? Haven't millions of years of evolution given us some level of inter-species understanding? If a pigeon can shake and dance in the park and attract a mate through those bizarre behaviors, how dense are we?
3. Get a Life. This is He's Just Not That in to You, for males. If she didn't text back then no, its not because your text message didn't get through. No call back? It is not some momentary lapse by your service provider. She is probably out living her life, doing normal activities that make her happy. You should find a few activities that make you happy, like running or scrapbooking, or reading about real men like William Clark and Simon Bolivar and T.E. Lawrence. Watch 300 and then lookup the workout to see what bodies like theirs require. Do you things. It doesn't matter what. To me, there is nothing more attractive than a girl who does this, and it is one of those rare things, unlike color preferences and baby names, that go both ways. I promise she'll appreciate it.
5. Dressing up. Good heavens this should not be that hard, but guys can get it so terribly wrong. A decently fitting black shirt and jeans should do the trick. Save the two year old running shoes with uncomfortably high khaki shorts. Same for the gem in the closet that says, "I'm not as dumb as you look," as original as that is. The only exception to this rule, to my knowledge, is the sorority/fraternity college connection. They have been genetically engineered, to my continual astonishment, to be attracted to someone who looks as if they just fell into a few cans of neon paint. You know the look: the one where it's hot to look like you just got out of bed and threw on your older brothers clothes, or walked out of a Walker Texas Ranger episode. Don't worry about them.
6. Ask, Don't tell. It is a cardinal rule that people like to talk about themselves. People like to talk about how Jenny hit on Johnny at a party, and she dated Johnny two years ago, and what this means for Jill who kissed Johnny last weekend, etc. What they don't care about your job, your income, your car, and the lack of a ring in your finger, unless of course, they ask. Let them ask; until then, listen. If you don't want to listen, then you really are taking the wrong girl out for beers and that is a real issue worth thinking about.
7. You're old. What's worse than any of the above offenses? Committing any of the above offenses on someone who was in diapers when you were in college. Have a concept of your own age, and accept that you had your time. It is really depressing as a young guy, seeing older guys try so hard in bars. If I end up there, I have done something terribly wrong.
In the end, men, these are great problems to have because they are all fixable. Annual human trafficking today is 10-times the amount during the height of the Trans-Atlantic Slave trade. That's a real problem, with a difficult solution, also caused by our gender. Shape up guys; be genuine and real. You are making us all look creepy.
No comments:
Post a Comment